I have recently been noticing a pattern in my life.
A lot of my patients have been in denial lately. I could see how that denial was not only affecting them but their families as well.
I was seeing an energy ripple effect happening. When a person doesn't deal with an issue it effects the people that are around that person also.
I was having a talk with my life coach and she asked me a hard question. She told me that when people notice a pattern around them that could also mean that the Universe is trying to tell them something. It could be that I was indulging in the pattern that I was noticing.
She asked me what I was denying in my own life.
I immediately knew the answer. I had a lot of time to think this past week. I got an unexpected week off from work last week. I enjoyed myself and took some time to reflect on my life.
I was denying that I have not been eating well lately. I have been eating more sweets than usual. I haven't been showing myself love. The reason that I have been doing that is because I'm ready to fall in love. I have not dated in 9 years. In March it will be 10 years since I went on a date. The first few years that I decided not to date was to get to know myself. I'm 36 and I've never fallen in love. I don't know if I should continue to wait or start dating.
Now that I have become the woman that I saw in my dreams, I'm ready for the next chapter in my life.
During the talk with my life coach, I told her about one of my patients being a hoarder. I realized as I was telling her the story that I have been hoarding my love in a way.
Love is an energy that needs to flow like water. When water is stagnant it becomes stale and dirty. For a while I did need to hoard my love and start to love myself. I'm grateful for the love that I do have in my life, its just not romantic love. When will it be the right time, I don't know. But like my life coach said there will be a 0% chance of getting to a fourth date with a man if I don't date. I have never made it past the third date and not had the feeling that that man wasn't the one for me. That is one of the reasons that I don't like dating.
I had made an account on Tinder and Match.com a few months ago. It just didn't feel right. I had to pay to see the messages that I had gotten. I didn't want to create another monthly bill. I wasn't enjoying it or having any fun. I ended up deleting my accounts.
During our talk, I also realized that I needed to change my energy. Whenever I get a feeling that a guy wanted to approach me, I start singing in my head. The song that I sing is Beyoncé's - End of Time. The part I sing to myself is the beginning of the song, Don't fuck with me, you're not Jay-Z. Except I sing, Don't fuck with me you're not Lil Wayne. I remixed that part. I keep saying that phrase over and over in my head. That always keeps the men from coming up to me. The energy that I'm putting out there is don't approach me and it works.
I have to open myself up to the idea of dating. When I meet my future husband, we are probably going to have to date. I would love to just get married on the second date but I understand that that may or may not happen.
My life coach also made a statement that really got me to thinking. She said by me not dating maybe I'm withholding experiences from other people. Maybe they had some lessons that I could teach them or some lessons that I needed to learn from them. That really hit home. The 2 boyfriends that I've had taught me so many lessons even though I knew they weren't the man for me. I still think that for a time I did need to stop dating to get to love myself. I used to define myself through my romantic relationships.
I do know that I will start taking better care of myself and showing myself love. The food choices that I make every day will either help me to my dreams or not help me.
What patterns have you been noticing in your own life?
The people around you are your mirrors. If you have a lot of angry people around you then that is the energy that you are putting out there. The energy that you put out comes back to you. The very thing that you call someone else may be the very thing that you yourself are guilty of. It's ok to check yourself and ask yourself questions. Am I in denial? Am I being selfish? If the answer is yes then you have an opportunity to work on yourself and do better. If the answer is no, then you can relax and know that for now you are doing good in that area of your life. When my friend called me selfish, I examined myself. I asked myself, am I being selfish. My answer was no and then I relaxed.
I had tried writing this post for 2 weeks now and I couldn't finish it. The reason I couldn't finish was because I hadn't realized that I was in denial. As soon as I had the talk with my life coach, the blog post was easy to write. I wanted to tell my patient's story because it was a perfect example of how not dealing with your own issues can affect the people around you but that wasn't my story to tell.
Now that I'm gotten to the bottom of my issues, I have some action steps to take and a story to tell. I felt so much lighter after my talk with my life coach. I never realized how much having a life coach helps. She will ask me the hard questions. Like she says, she doesn't care about people liking her, she cares about getting results for her clients. Sometimes that means asking the hard questions. Some times, I am shocked by the questions but those questions turn out to be so necessary. In my opinion, its always great to have someone in your life that will ask you the hard questions. I'm grateful to have my life coach in my life.
If you are noticing any patterns in your life, I challenge you to look at yourself and see if that pattern is in your own life. Maybe God/Universe is trying to show you that you yourself are indulging in that pattern. I just started singing this next song in my head as I was typing that last sentence. I don't own the rights to this next song, but it sums up what I just said. I love this scene from the Color Purple. For some people who haven't watched this movie, this scene is powerful. The pastor would not forgive his daughter for something that she did. I can't remember what she did. He hadn't talked to her for years. The pastor preached about forgiveness but couldn't forgive his own daughter until this moment.